Confiteor

“Bless me father for I have sinned. I’m sorry, I’m not catholic, I’ve never done this before, I don’t really know the procedure”

“It’s ok my son. We are all God’s children here. Why don’t you just start at the beginning”

                                •••••

From the very first day I met her, I knew there was something special about her. I could feel a connection. It was like a part of me I didn’t know was missing had finally found its way home.

Maybe it was because she was the first person to actually genuinely smile at me, an infectious smile that seemed to flow out straight from the depths of her soul.

Maybe it was her eyes, so full of life and bright optimism, or maybe it was the dimple on her left cheek. God, I used to tease her about that! Having only one dimple! 

Maybe it was the fact that we had both been abandoned by the people that were supposed to be our parents, human beings who had taken one look at us and decided that they didn’t want to be saddled with the responsibility of raising a smaller versions of themselves. 

Even though I tried to act tough, her infectious smile slowly but surely started to melt my icy heart.

Soon I began to feel the way I always imagined the Beast must have felt after spending time with the beautiful Belle. 

She had a way of making me feel whole. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel like a mistake, like a piece of dirty clothing hastily thrown out the window. I felt wanted. If someone as pure and beautiful as her could want to be around me, then maybe I wasn’t such a waste of air afterall.

The fact that we shared the same birthday was an added bonus.

For the first time in my life I felt truly loved.

I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday. We were taking a walk from a local isiewu joint when suddenly we heard the sharp screech of car brakes, quickly followed by 3 or 4 loud gunshots. 

I remember her squealing before we both started to run, her bountiful bosom bouncing up and down as I held her hand and led her to the safety of my house which was not too far away. I held her petite frame tightly in my arms, slowly stroked her hair and told her everything was going to be ok, that I would die before I let anything, or anyone, harm her. I could feel her heart thumping loudly against my chest. She stopped shivering, her heart rate returning to normal, and she just looked at me. And then she leaned upward, tilted her face forward, placed her right palm on my scruffy cheek, closed her eyes and touched my lips with hers.

They felt so soft! And she tasted sooo gooooood! So sweet and ripe, with a hint of menthol. Jesus Christ!!! Till this day I get a slight erection whenever I get a whiff of the smell of menthol. 

                                •••••

“Ughm ughm”

“Oh, I’m sorry father, I used the Lord’s name in vain”

“It’s ok my son. You may continue”

                                •••••

We made love for the first time that night. 

She didn’t laugh when I told her i’d never done it before. She just told me to relax and go with the flow.

She didn’t laugh when I pumped twice (or was it three times, I’m not even sure) and screamed that I had to pee! Damn! That was one of the most embarrassing moments in my entire life.

The second time was so much better! It was like she had handed me a manual to her body. And when she dug her nails into my back, biting on my chest as she tried to stifle her screams, now that was definitely one of my proudest moments. I remember whispering her name before letting loose. And this time I knew it wasn’t pee!


I remember her saying yes after I had gotten down on one knee.

I remember trying not to cry as she walked down the aisle, towards me! Me! How could I be so lucky! 

She was sooooo beautiful!! Jesus!!!!

How could we be so lucky. Two souls who had been abandoned at birth, who had managed to find themselves and discover a love so true, so pure!! We had managed to weave our own fairytale! 

                                 •••••

“Have I mentioned how beautiful she was father?”

“Yes my son. You have”

“Well father, when she became pregnant, she became even more beautiful, if that’s even possible. It was like she was glowing!”

“God is wonderful like that my son”

“Indeed”

                                •••••

I didn’t think it was possible to be even happier than I already was. But it happened. 

I was going to have a little girl!!!!!!!!

Now I would have two women in my life, to love and protect till the day I die.

                               •••••

I remember her sitting beside me, her beautiful skin glowing as she  laughed while Captain America admonished Tony Stark for cursing. Even though we had seen this movie a thousand times, she still laughed at that scene every single time.

I remember she abruptly  stopped blessing me with her angelic laughter, a concerned look suddenly appearing on her face. I wanted to ask her what was wrong before I noticed the slowly spreading wet stain on the couch.

It was time! My baby was about to have my baby!!

I don’t remember the drive to the hospital.

I barely remember the stern faced nurse stopping me from going into the theatre with her.

I barely remember exactly how long I waited. I remember it felt like forever though.

I can never forget the look on the doctors’ face as she walked towards me, her heavily starched white labcoat shining under the fluorescent lights of the hospital hallway.

I can’t remember exactly what she said. All I heard was that both my babies were alive and breathing. But everything was not ok.

Something was wrong with my little baby.

She wasn’t…..


She wasnt….. complete.

                              •••••

“You see father, the doctor wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong with our daughter. She had to run tests on both me and my wife. And before the results came out, a part of me knew. It had just been too good to be true you see. We were just too compatible, complimented each other too perfectly. I should have known fairytales were just for Disney movies. So when the doctor finally brought the results, I already knew

                               •••••

I remember that day clearly. I remember the black ink stain on the doctors’ starch stiffened labcoat as she looked down at her table, as she fiddled with her pen, as she did everything but look me and my wife in our eyes.

I remember my wife gasping loudly before swooning. I remember catching her before she hit the floor. She had already been hurt enough.

I remember my heart bleeding.

I remember the doctors words clearly: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just spit it out. Your daughter’s condition is rare and is usually as a result of inbreeding. Your medical histories both state that you are adopted. Our tests have confirmed my suspicions. It turns out, the both of you are siblings. Twins to be precise. What’s worse, I’m 99% certain that your parents were also closely related too.”

I screamed before fainting myself. I don’t remember that though. The screaming or the swooning. I don’t remember that at all. 

                              •••••

“Oh my God!!”

“Careful now father. Don’t use His name in vain”

“I don’t know what to say my child. He works in mysterious ways”

I take a deep breath as I clench and unclench my fists. 

“How about you continue listening to me father. You see I finally understand. This earth is just a stage. We are just puppets here. And God is the puppet master, orchestrating this cruel play”

I pause to wipe away the tear that manages to escape from my eye. 

“My wife couldn’t take it. And who can blame her! I came home this evening to find her looking more peaceful than she has since we got the news. Her angelic face looked so pale as she lay in the bathtub filled with warm water that had turned red from the precise horizontal slits on both her wrists. Our abomination of a daughter lay floating beside her, drowned in the tainted blood that had once given her a poor excuse for life”

“Oh my God”

I quickly leap forward, tearing the veil that separates me from the priest, as I shove the chrome plated pistol that had been laying on my lap in his face.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP FATHER!!!”

I can see flecks of my spit settle on his face.

I take a deep breath.

“Now you listen to me. You are God’s representative on earth. So you are going to be my advocate. It’s rather apt, seeing as today is Good Friday. According to you guys, Jesus should be in hell right now, rescuing the lost souls in there, before taking them up to heaven with Him.  I read that suicide is a mortal sin, so i’m guessing my wife and maybe my daughter might be down there right now. I would have taken the trip alone,  but  I don’t want to take any chances, so I need you to go there with me.”

“Wha.. wha.. what do you mean?”

“You are going to plead my case to God himself. He maketh all things right, right? Since my family wasn’t right here on earth, you are going to convince him to let us be together, and whole, in heaven!!”

“That’s not how it works my son”

“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FATHER!” 

I pause again, this time to take a deep breath. 

“Now, don’t say any prayers father, I need to see you in hell”

The gun jerks in my hand as I softly squeeze the trigger. Warm blood splashes all over my face, some of it hitting my left eye, momentarily blinding me.

The priests’ nearly headless body hits the floor with a dull thud, his once white cassock now a dirty red colour, his head barely hanging on to his neck. 

                                •••••

My hands have finally stopped shaking.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder.

Damn, this confession thing really works! I feel so much better. 

It’s time.

I put the gun in my mouth, angling the barrel up to make sure the bullet goes straight through my brain, just like i’d read.

I’m coming baby. This world wasn’t meant for us. I hope the priest is doing a good job of pleading our case, or else there’ll be hell to pay, literally.

I close my eyes as I bite down on the barrel of the pistol so hard my two upper incisors crack.

I’m coming baby. For the both of you. I’m coming.

I can feel more tears escape my eyes. 

I’m coming baby. 



Pulling the trigger was easier this time.

29 thoughts on “Confiteor”

  1. I literally screamed out loud at the doctor’s news. Had to apologise for swearing here. Lol. You probably already know, but have to say you write really well. Great job!

  2. Dude i have always said it. U r so goddamn incredible with these ur stories. Atimes i wonder what goes through ur mind.
    Kudos!!! I think am Oliver Twist fr ur stories

    1. I lift up my eyes & look up to the hills, and whence does my inspiration come from?
      My inspiration cometh from the Lord….
      ???

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